How To Say What You Mean Without Losing Your Cool

How To Say What You Mean Without Losing Your Cool

I want to tell you about something that happened to me a couple of days ago, because it taught me more about communication than any book I have read this year.

I went to the shopping center to make a purchase. When I got there, I realized my phone had run out of charge. My phone is usually my wallet. That is where all my digital cards live, and that is how I pay for almost everything. So I reached for my actual wallet instead, the one with my bank cards in it, cards I rarely ever use. I tried them. None of them worked. Not even my business card. Every single one came back with the same response: speak to authorized user. I was not feeling well that day, and all I wanted was to grab some medication. The pharmacist helped me, grudgingly, while I stood there thinking through how I was going to get my phone charged so I would not have to drive all the way back to the office just to grab a card. I walked into a nearby store and asked the lady at the counter if I could charge my phone for a few minutes. I explained I was in a bit of a situation. She told me they do not allow charging in store. Fair enough. I left. Next, I walked into the Telstra store. The guy there was happy to help me straight away. He grabbed a charger, then paused and asked, are you a Telstra customer? I told him no, I am not. He apologized and said he could only charge my phone if I was a paying customer. Now here is the moment that matters. In that instant, I could have said something sharp enough to make him question why he even came to work that day. I had the words ready. But instead, I asked him one question. I said, do you only extend kindness to people who are paying customers of Telstra? He did not say a word for a second. Then he said, okay, I will get you a charger. That was it. No argument, no defensiveness, no drama. Just a shift. What That Moment Taught Me I have thought about that exchange a lot since it happened, mostly because I have my own history of struggling with this exact thing. Saying what I actually mean, without losing my cool, and without coming across as rude. Here is what I noticed. I did not get what I wanted by attacking him. I got what I wanted by helping him see the situation from a different angle. I asked a question that made him pause and reconsider his own rule, rather than a statement that made him defend it. And underneath that whole interaction is one idea. Perspective. If you can pause for even two seconds and look at the situation from the other person's chair, it almost always makes more sense from where they are sitting. He was probably just following a policy he did not create. My frustration was not really with him, it was with the situation. Once I saw that, my job was not to punish him for the policy. My job was to help him see the policy differently. That is the whole trick. Ask a question. Piggyback off what they said. Reframe it. But before any of that, ask yourself two things. Is what I am about to say going to make this person feel small? And is it going to make me the kind of person I do not want to be? Because here is the truth. Things are going to happen. People are going to say no to you, follow rules that do not serve you, or genuinely get it wrong. That is not going to stop. The only thing you actually have control over is how you respond in that moment, and whether your identity survives it intact. Taking This Into The Workplace This is not just a shopping center story. This is a work story too. Every single day, people on teams are frustrated, tired, overloaded, and one comment away from saying something they will regret in a meeting, an email, or a Slack thread. The instinct when you are frustrated at work is to say the blunt thing. The thing that technically says what you mean, but does it in a way that burns a bridge or makes someone feel stupid. The skill is not suppressing what you mean. The skill is saying it in a way that respects the other person enough that they can actually hear it. Below are ten of the most common things people say at work when they are frustrated, and a better way to say the exact same thing, without losing the honesty behind it. So I'm giving you 10 Ways To Say What You Mean At Work 1. Instead of saying, I already told you this five times Try saying, let's make sure this sticks this time, want me to send it over in writing so it's easy to reference? 2. Instead of saying, that's not my problem Try saying, that sits outside what I can directly fix, but let me point you to who can help. 3. Instead of saying, I'm very busy Try saying, I want to give this the attention it deserves, can we look at it properly at a specific time? 4. Instead of saying, you're wrong Try saying, I'm seeing this a bit differently, can I walk you through how I got there? 5. Instead of saying, this doesn't make sense Try saying, help me understand the thinking behind this, I want to make sure I'm not missing something. 6. Instead of saying, I don't have time for this Try saying, this matters, but I need help figuring out where it fits against everything else on my plate right now. 7. Instead of saying, that's not how we do things here Try saying, here's how we've handled this before and why, does that change things for you? 8. Instead of saying, you should have told me sooner Try saying, next time, if you loop me in earlier, I can actually help before it becomes urgent. 9. Instead of saying, I already answered that Try saying, just to make sure we're aligned, here's that answer again. 10. Instead of saying, whatever, just do it your way Try saying, I hear where you're coming from, let's agree on what matters most here and move forward together. Now none of this is about being soft, or swallowing your opinion, or letting people walk over you. It is about staying in control of the outcome instead of handing that control over to your emotions. The guy at the Telstra store still got the message. He understood exactly what I thought of his rule. But he heard it as a question worth thinking about, not an attack worth defending against. That is the difference between saying what you mean and just saying something mean. So next time you feel that heat rising before you speak, whether it is with a colleague, a customer, or a stranger behind a counter, pause and ask yourself one question first. What would this sound like from where they are standing? Then say what you actually mean, from there. If this guide helped you rethink how you handle communication, that’s a sign you’re ready for the next level. In my Corporate Codebreaker, I go much deeper into: • executive communication • setting boundaries without guilt • navigating disagreement and influence • understanding the unspoken rules of the workplace This guide gives you the language, Corporate Codebreaker gives you the full system that ensures youre never disrespected at work.